1. Automation or tracking tools

2. AI tools

My goal was to run more efficiently and grow faster. The funny thing is, instead of moving faster or being more efficient, I just felt more reluctant.

Reluctant to start using a new tool because it was a pain to learn.

That’s when I realized a new tool means dedicated time to learn its features so I can get to the automation part, use its data properly to make better decisions, or introduce a new AI workflow. I can’t expect these new tools to ‘just pick up the slack’ and ‘close the gap’.

So when I realized this, I did the audit that saved me 1,000 USD.

The mistake new entrepreneurs often make unconsciously

I was never an ops person. If anything, I was always spoiled by whatever structure my previous employers provided for me. So as a new business owner having to set up my own ops, I felt like I had to have everything. Lucky for me, an ops expert was open to chatting about this.

Enter Jagoda Puczko, an ops specialist who used to work with Apple and Little Dot Studios before building her own venture. Like so many other cool people I met in 2026, Substack brought us together.

I shared with her exactly what happened: my rationale, my goal, and the bottleneck. She smiled and nodded, and without judgment, she told me that this is such a common mistake she sees entrepreneurs make.

“The hype around these AI tools is real. We often unconsciously project our desire to succeed onto them because they’re sold through glowing case studies. It’s easy to collect tools thinking they’ll solve operational chaos, but software will never fix a lack of structure.”

She explained that tools are only as good as how we set them up. Two things she sees me doing, just like other entrepreneurs:

• AI cannot fix a lack of structure: Putting AI (like Claude) on top of a scattered or unclear process won’t solve operational chaos; it just amplifies the disorganization.

• Features -we don’t know what we don’t know: Anyone can watch YouTube tutorials to learn tool features, but most entrepreneurs lack the time or capacity to step back and translate those features into their specific business setup.

So now, what do we do first?

What to do before adding new tools to your business

What I got from Jagoda’s advice is for entrepreneurs to:

1. Map human steps before picking up software: You need step-by-step clarity on your manual operations first before anything else (e.g., Step 1: Initial client email > Step 2: Contract > Step 3: Onboarding intake > Step 4: Deliverables).

2. System integration takes intention: Building an effective workflow (like pulling social metrics into Notion, analyzing with Claude, and outputting to Canva) requires knowing exactly where data lives, how the tool should behave, and what output you need.

And from this whole conversation, I learned that growth takes time.

My biggest mindset shift this year is really to be more intentional with my growth. But sometimes I fall back into old patterns where I want things to be immediate. Which is funny because, in retrospect, I now know how much it backfired -and it was not cheap!

Fixing the process first: My takeaway from Jagoda

What I did after speaking to Jagoda:

1. I paused and had an honest conversation with myself: What does growth look like? What metrics will be important for me now? And how do I get from this point to that point?

2. Then I noted down the redundant things that I think could be delegated. For me, it’s invoicing, admin, taxes -basically the things that give me zero dopamine to do.

3. I chose Claude to help me with this because I find it best at logical tasks. So I had a conversation with it and set up a project + its connections to help me spend less time inputting things manually.

A month into this improvement and so far:

• I have more free time to either create for my clients (and it took off! But more on this next time 😄):

• engage with the community (on LinkedIn, and yes, Substack I’ll come back for you more, I promise!):

• or just be with the family, taking naps and keeping warm as we welcome fall:

I haven’t achieved some “highest flow of efficiency” status, because honestly, I don’t think I’ll be needing that anytime soon. I’m enjoying working with this workflow because, at the end of the day, my goal is to grow my business at my own pace and still have free time to do the things I like.

Thanks to Jagoda for the reality check!

And if you’re a relatively new entrepreneur like me or are looking to set up your own ops, Jagoda shares free systems you can download!

Download here

Here’s to growing at our own pace, with a realistic system 💙

Annisa

When I decided to resign from my comfortable 9-to-5, I thought I was just dealing with normal career transition anxiety.

But I knew I was meant for more "growth." Burnout was just the aftermath of trying to contain myself in a chapter I had already outgrown. The frustration of not being able to do "more" when I knew I had the capacity for it ended up jeopardizing my creativity and potential. So, I knew it was time to go.

What followed was a massive identity crisis. I knew I wanted something bigger, but I didn’t know how to get there because something was holding me back:

fear.

Inheriting the fear through conditioning

I grew up in a strict household.

A lot of: Be careful! Don’t! Just you wait until…! But at the same time, my parents -especially my mother- pushed me to try everything: guitar lessons, piano, swimming, math, debate club, Mandarin, French, German language- every skill possible.

My father, on the other hand, pushed me to be free by encouraging me to experience new things: I took a puff of his cigarette, a sip of his beer, stayed up late, and stayed out. But then he punched a hole in the door out of sheer frustration and panic when I burned my arm learning how to iron at 12 years old.

Apart from joy, fear unfortunately ruled the home I grew up in.

Unlearning the conditioning at 30 years old

More than a decade later, in adulthood, all I knew how to be came down to two modes:

• either be in control,

• or fear losing control.

It burned me out, physically and mentally.

So one day, I woke up and decided I could no longer live like this.

In January 2026, I restarted therapy with the same therapist who helped me process the grief of losing my parents back in 2021. Her name is Avis, and her methods work really well with me.

The best way I can describe this therapy journey is like swimming upstream: not impossible, but intense and deeply exhausting.

After every session, I remember feeling depleted, enlightened, burpy (yes, I burp when I process heavy emotions, which was weird to realize!), and ravenously hungry.

The first few sessions were the hardest, but then I realized: the more I just let it flow, the easier it got. So I stopped resisting.

And then, the life-changing session happened.

Letting go of outdated conditioning through therapy and visualization

At 30 years old, I finally understood why mother was the way she was -and why she so often acted out of fear. This understanding came out of nowhere, but the empathy was so intense I ended up crying because I could feel her pain.

Naturally, I brought it up in my next session with Avis.

I can’t recall every exact detail of how the conversation went, but we dissected that breakthrough across a 75-minute session. That was where I finally realized: all this time, the fear I was carrying wasn’t even mine. It was my mother’s projection.

Avis asked me to close my eyes and visualize a safe space. In that space, I met my mother in her 20s; she was smiling. I was a child again, no older than seven, crying while holding a gift box tied with a red bow. Inside it was all of her fear, her conditioning, her projections. In my mind’s eye, I looked at her and said, “I am returning these to you.”

The relief was instant. The burden just lifted.

Maybe I was in a trance; maybe it was all just a vivid visualization. I don’t know! All I know is that fear never belonged to me in the first place.

How I distinguish projection vs. my own emotions now

Through therapy, I learned to identify when an emotion is actually mine versus when I’m carrying someone else’s residual anxiety -be it my client, my prospect, or a peer.

1. Projection (External): When an emotion is a projection, it’s felt outside of my body. It hovers over me like a cloud. Most often is when I suddenly feel a vague sense of anxiety and worry about things that are outside of my control.

2. True Emotion (Internal): Pure personal emotions have a clear “physical address” inside my body. Example: when it’s shame, I feel it hot in my cheeks. When it’s sadness, I feel it heavy in my chest. When it’s pressure or worry, I feel it weighing down my shoulders.

Recognizing this distinction helped me become a better growth partner for my clients, and it transformed the way I run my business in general. Because now I understand how to regulate myself better before big meetings, feedback sessions, or any tough conversations overall.

Where fear showed up in my work and business

In corporate environments, we’re taught to control every variable. Risk mitigation is the entire culture -or at least this was what I experienced.

So when I stepped out to build my own thing, I often mistake that old corporate need for control as "having high standards."

• As it turns out, fear was always the real reason behind my reluctance to do sales. Sure, sales has its own questionable reputation -which I’ll unpack another day (still learning it!) -but ultimately, it was my fear of uncertainty that made me feel “bad” at sales.

• Fear also made me limit my own creativity. I became overly rigid in how I approached a client’s challenge.
  For example, if the problem was A, I would only solve it through Z, because that was the safe way I knew. I didn’t want to try another path out of fear of making things worse. Instead of allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them, I demanded perfection. Anything less felt like complete incompetence.

Those were the two biggest ways fear was choking the very growth I was craving.

Also Read:

The journey ahead is long, but it’s exciting

With this newfound courage, I finally get to just “fuck around and find out.”

Since making that shift 3 months ago, it has already led to:

• My first four-figure contract, 55 days after officially launching,

• Genuine connections with people on LinkedIn and Substack who actively help each other grow,

• And, most importantly, the bravery to look at my mistakes without judgment and see how I can improve myself, my services, and my business.

This is just the beginning. I’m excited to explore more mistakes, build more connections, and experience more of everything at my own pace.

I’m no longer trying to control every outcome and process. I’m just letting myself ride the wave and take the opportunities as they come.

So here’s to the journey ahead, one with curiosity and courage.

💙 Annisa

I am publishing this reflective article to keep the journey real. There are no regrets, blame, nor shame. If anything, I’m grateful for this chapter, because to reach where I am today, this phase was necessary.

A bit about my therapist and her methods in her own words:

“With almost a decade of experience as a therapist, I have come to appreciate that healing occurs not through techniques alone, but within the safety of a trusting therapeutic relationship built over time. When clients feel emotionally held and supported, they are better able to approach painful memories, navigate difficult life circumstances, and draw from their resources to move through life’s greatest challenges.

My approach integrates Brainspotting and psychodynamic psychotherapy. Although the methods I use may appear simple, the healing process itself is often complex and deeply personal. Therapy is an unfolding journey that weaves together insight, emotional processing, and embodied experience, all within a safe relationship. Walking alongside clients through this process is both a privilege and an art, with moments that feel nothing short of miraculous.”

Avis Ng - Professional Counsellor at Rekindle Therapy

From 2021 until today, I’m so grateful to have met Avis.

The result? No growth whatsoever. Lol, it’s okay, we can all laugh now.

Having learned a lot from that experience, I finally fixed my offers and looked for alternatives to market myself: How do I grow organically? Is it even possible to grow with 0 budget on marketing?

The short answer: YES. But the way organic growth works has apparently shifted.

Meet Derk Steemers: Organic & Community Growth Strategist

Upon pondering the question, by chance I met Derk Steemers on LinkedIn. I decided to sit down with him to understand how organic reach actually works today.

Derk is the founder of the Munich-based consultancy, In Good Company.

He’s been obsessed with organic distribution since he was 14, selling sponsor slots on his skateboard and burning skate edits onto DVD before YouTube existed. With over 12 years in marketing, he helps clients build real reach through community first, not ads!

Which brings us to our main topic: How do buyers actually discover us today?

Marketing Has Two Audiences Now: Humans and AI

For over a decade, organic growth meant traditional SEO. Companies fought to rank #1 on Google's search results pages so buyer would click their specific link.

But in 2026, buyers -myself included- are not skimming through five different blog posts anymore. We ask AI tools like ChatGPT, Gemini, and Perplexity specific, detailed questions about our exact pain points and use cases.

The AI then synthesizes information gathered across the open web into a single tailored recommendation.

You are not only talking to your buyer, but also to its AI:

1. The human: makes decisions

2. The AI: recommends you

SEO vs. GEO: What’s the difference?

Generative Engine Optimization (GEO) structures your brands’ digital footprint so AI engines can recognize, trust, and mention your business when buyers asks questions.

So, how do we do execute GEO when we’re running a business by ourselves, with zero ad budget?

Here are some steps you can try out!

3 Steps to start Generative Engine Optimization (GEO) on a $0 budget

Step 1: Show up in organic communities (Reddit & Forums)

AI models favor authentic human experience over polished corporate marketing copy. According to research, 40% of sources cited by AI engines come from community platforms like Reddit.

Derk calls this “the revenge of community managers” 😂

Case example: When Derk worked with Arcware (a 3D pixel-streaming platform), standard LinkedIn posts weren’t reaching their hyper-niche engineer audience. So instead of forcing that or running ads, he launched a dedicated subreddit and joined technical forums -which worked really well with the type of audience he’s targeting.

By giving engineers a place to solve niche technical problems together, they reached over 8,000 targeted prospects with literally $0 in ad spend.

And because AI models constantly crawl these discussions, active community presence will naturally feed your long-term AI discoverability.

Step 2: Build your personal brand on LinkedIn

LinkedIn is currently the fourth most-cited source by AI answer engines.

So if you’re a solopreneur or founder -like Derk and I- relying on organic growth, posting, and commenting on LinkedIn will help!

BUT it will have to be beyond ego, likes, and impressions. Think of it as you creating an indexable proof that you’re the expert in what you do.

When you share authentic insights and engage thoughtfully on LinkedIn:

1. You build trust with the human buyers, in real time.

2. And you create a persistent open-web text that AI engines crawl on, in the long run.

Step 3: Optimize your website FAQ for conversational AI queries

Apart from community chatter, AI also looks for direct and structured answers to specific user prompts.

So what I tried to do myself is to be more strategic with my website’s (copy and) FAQ. I used Answer the Public to search the exact queries potential clients type into search tools regarding B2B marketing consultants and personal branding. Then I wrote direct answers into my site’s FAQ.

This felt intimidating for a non-tech person like me. But apparently it was easier than I thought! There’s no complex coding needed. Just tweak the FAQ copy to answer real questions and make it drastically easier for AI engines to summarize your business accurately.

Time: The universal challenge for bootstrapped founders

While setting up your GEO costs $0 in capital, it does cost time. And for solo operators or bootstrapped founders like you, me, and Derk, time is our rarest asset.

During our chat, Derk shared a lesson from his recent transition into fatherhood that reframed how he manages his schedule:

He started evaluating tasks by asking himself: Does this deliver real, measurable value to the client, or does it just make me feel productive?

If a to-do list existed to satisfy the need to be perfect, it goes bye-bye. As a healing perfectionist and a mother-to-be, I needed to hear this today.

Lean organic growth plan for busy solopreneurs

So! That being said. If you are a solo operator (solopreneur), bootstrapped founder, or managing lean teams, this segment is for you.

If you have under 20 hours a week for marketing and a limited ad spend budget, here is the lean plan for growth that Derk recommends for the next 3-6 months of growth:

1. Social and community building: Focus on 1-2 platforms where your ideal clients hang out. Example: Build human trust on LinkedIn or answer specific technical questions on Reddit to feed AI search crawlers.

2. Interactive webinars: Depending on your product and services, Derk also suggested a focused webinar. Especially for niche services or B2B offers, a 1-hour live webinar lets you show how you work, run live demos, and ultimately engage authentically -better than cold outreach would.

Talking about webinars…

Derk has a webinar on 16th September about Google Search Ads. I highly recommend joining it if you’re a business owner (consultant, coach, or anyone with or without a marketing background). Not only that, Derk is not stingy with his knowledge, but he also presents it in a very interactive and easy-to-understand way!

Join the webinar

3. Owned Email Nurture: Transition everyone who attends your webinars or engages in your community onto an email list you own. Algorithms change, social reach gets throttled, but an email list remains a permanent asset that lets you nurture leads over time!

Final key takeaway

Sustainable growth in 2026 is not about doing more. Cutting down and prioritizing efforts that matter will bring us further than piling more tasks on your to-do list.

So, learning from Derk, before you and I launch our next marketing task, let’s ask ourselves: Is this moving the needle for my business, or am I just doing busywork?

Cut the noise, focus on authentic human connections and AI discoverability, and build a growth engine that respects your time.

To more growth for you and me 💙

Annisa

“Must-have AI tech stack for solopreneurs”

“This AI tech stack will help your coaching business generate 100 calls in 30 days”

“Modern pipeline-building AI-first tech stack for growing B2B teams”

They never fail to give me the heebie-jeebies!

As a solo marketing consultant, I’m learning as I grow: how to make better use of my time and mental capacity. I realized that I’m managing sales, marketing, finance, ops, and client deliverables all at once. And AI has been an incredible partner in all of these!

But I fell into the classic trap of “more tools = better efficiency.” Lol!

Quick reality check:

I spent time reading guides on “optimizing tech stack” because I genuinely wanted to grow. The problem is that I had not clearly defined what growth actually looks like for my business yet. And without that vision, I fell for the hype!

It made me feel slow, left behind, and somehow… out of the loop.

So instead of spiraling, I discussed this with a few fellow founders. And they reminded me of three important reality checks:

1. Social media is dramatic for the sake of the algorithm!

2. Some creators sell dreams instead of actual working systems.
   Did you know? There are platforms built specifically to generate fake dashboard metrics?! How did I just learn this? It's beyond me.

3. Bottom line: Invest in tools that solve an immediate challenge at your current stage of growth.

What about hiring? When do I hire consultants or agencies?

This logic does not only apply to software subscriptions but also to hiring external help like agencies, contractors, or consultants like me.

To illustrate, here are two recent prospect scenarios:

1. A pre-revenue SaaS founder reached out to ask how I could help. After a discovery call and reviewing their current stage, we both recognized their product was not ready, and holding off on hiring a marketing consultant was a smart move. Very fair!

2. A C-level agency owner reached out to share his operational challenges. When my full retainer exceeded his immediate budget, we pivoted into a targeted hourly advisory package instead. Super fair!

These experiences inspired me.

Whether you’re a pre-revenue founder or an executive scaling your personal brand, you don’t need to invest in everything all at once. We can always start small and slow.

Give a new tool or engagement 30 to 90 days, then evaluate the tangible return on investment. How has it really helped you or your business grow? There’s nothing wrong with trial and error!

How I saved $995+ in subscriptions

So, immediately after the reality check, I audited my own tech stack and asked Claude to analyze the gaps. Turns out, over the past year, I spent nearly $1000 unnecessarily.

Here’s the exact step-by-step on what I did, and how I did it, so you can audit yours too!

Mandatory Step 1: Reflect on your business!

Before you buy anything or hire anyone, this is the step some solopreneurs (like myself!) tend to forget:

I listed my day-to-day tasks and defined where AI can support me. I did this manually without AI assistance so I can stay unbiased as the main human operator.

I then note it down and create a single-source-of-truth document to act as a guardrail before feeding anything to Claude. It contains the details of me, my business, brand, services, how I work, and what I want to avoid (like the use of jargon, for example).

Step 2: Use Claude to audit the gaps

Once I had my reflection all sorted, I fed it to Claude alongside screenshots of my paid subscriptions.

Here’s the exact prompt I used:

The audit showed me key redundancies:

• Running two tools with overlapping use cases (like Claude & Gemini).

• Paying for tier upgrades whose premium features I never touched.

I thought using AI = everything automated.

What I also learned: Claude pointed out that I didn’t need complex automations yet. My current priority is building audience trust and visibility. So optimizing for content batching, engagements, was far more impactful than wiring up workflow connectors.

Try Claude Cowork for 1 Week, Free!

Step 3: The Decision Tree

To help me decide what to cut, pause, or keep, I built a decision framework:

Providing clear criteria and a reminder of what I should prioritize, this framework can help me focus on my 12-month business goals without falling for the hype ever again 😂.

The bottom line

So, here are a few false beliefs I’m shedding regarding tools or hiring:

1. More tools = better? Nope. Learn how to optimize them, connect them where necessary, and always go back to the reason why I subscribed to it in the first place.

2. AI = complex automation? Not necessarily. I can also use AI to help me prepare my morning briefs, set up my Asana, or brainstorm for content batching.

   

3. Am I slow, behind, and somehow missing out on AI tools? No. Businesses scaled long before technology even existed. And for me, steady, sustainable growth beats rushed setup. every. time.

4. There is no universal stack. No one true playbook. What worked for me might work differently for you. Each business is unique and has its own pace! Give yourself and your progress some grace and really listen to yourself.

“A seed we planted today can’t bear fruit tomorrow” is a quote I always remind myself of whenever I feel the rush-to-grow on my shoulders building up.

Your pace is yours!

Annisa 💙

Having a community of people to talk to about this has really helped me. And if you need someone to talk to over coffee, I’m happy to have a virtual chat with you!

Let's talk over coffee!

No business attached! I am not currently opening a slot for new clients anytime soon!

Until it started giving me migraines every week and tense shoulders that won’t budge for anything.

Then l I met and learned what he calls the 7 Life Areas framework.

I have not felt that migraine since.

Dave is one of the great connections I’ve gained through Substack. An Irish expat living in Lisbon, he works as a life and career coach. I knew I needed guidance at that time because my unreasonable fear of doing sales was holding me back. We met for a virtual coffee, and he decided to take me on as a client.

To set the tone for our coaching sessions, Dave asked me to do an exercise where I audit my life across 7 key areas: what’s good, what’s meh, and what needs to be fixed.

This was where he introduced me to a new entrepreneur mindset I didn’t know I needed: by analyzing life through this framework, I can prioritize and adjust without guilt.

So you’re telling me I don’t need to do everything all at once and be overwhelmed every time? My overachiever self was both mind-blown and relieved.

What is the 7 Life Areas Framework?

Before we get into this, it’s very important to distinguish what it is and what it is not.

• What it is not: A measure of internal emotional states. Instead, this framework is designed around outward engagement and activities. How we interact with the world, spend our focus, and/or allocate our energy.

• What it is: A flexible structure, not rigid, not an instant fix. It worked so well for me because I get to define what each life area means for me. From there, it provides clarity and structure around what I choose to prioritize.

• Headspace, not hours spent: This framework does not measure by hour spent on each area. Instead, it measures by headspace and desire for change. For example: a job might take 40 hours a week. But your primary headspace might be in health or family instead of career because you’d want to train for a marathon more than you want to work.

• No self-judgement, please! This framework works best without expectations of perfection or self-criticism. In my experience, it operates like a weighing scale: it helps us understand which areas are demanding more energy right now so we can naturally prioritize them without feeling guilty about neglecting the others.

How this exercise helped me identify the mindset blocks holding my business back

I used to think that my main problem was that I couldn't do sales. It made me feel embarrassed, caused me to avoid outreach, and led me to self-judgement. Whenever the sales anxiety hit, my default reaction was to doom-scroll.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was a classic subconscious pattern holding my business back. I was in a cycle of self-sabotage, avoiding outreach because of a mindset block I avoided for the longest time.

After doing the 7 Life Areas exercise and having my first few sessions with Dave, I realized that my problem was deeper than “not able to do sales.” My actual issue was that I couldn’t prioritize my services and structure how I grow my business. As a solopreneur, I was literally trying to do everything all at once, both personally and professionally. Of course I was overwhelmed!

Through this exercise, I finally understood that:

1. I can fine-tune my services and build what I like instead of what I think I should offer.

2. I can deprioritize some life areas, and prioritize others without feeling guilty.

3. I can actually do sales - I was just selling the wrong service menu.

And the result spoke for itself: I stopped procrastinating.

And best of all: I stopped having those migraines.

How to audit your life and overcome subconscious patterns at home?

There’s no single “right” way to do this exercise. Now that you know the framework, you can list the areas, grade them yourself, or discuss them with a confidant. Whichever feels authentic and safe for you.

Dave suggests simple journaling: grab a pen and paper, list the areas out, and map how you honestly feel about each one.

The most important key here is not to approach it with criticism or judgement. Because I did. And it sort of backfired a little bit.

I remember having our coaching session on a Monday. It took me until the weekend to actually make the time to look at the notes because it felt pretty heavy to me. Heavy because I was not ready to make room within myself to acknowledge that there were some areas of my life that I was not satisfied with.

But I braved it, swapped judgement for curiosity, and did it anyway. Afterward, it felt like a massive burden was lifted off my shoulders.

Taking action: shifting from overwhelm to growth

It doesn’t make sense to try to climb seven Mount Everests at once. It doesn’t even make sense to try to climb one overnight! The great thing about this exercise is that once you have a clear picture, you can break your goals down to make them less intimidating.

Following what Dave suggested, here was my exact thought process and action plan:

And just a couple of weeks ago, I finally did it: I published my website and put myself out there.

Believe it or not, since then I’ve had four sales calls without me sweating through my shirt once. I was so proud of this growth in mindset that my husband took me to a nice dinner to celebrate.

Why an entrepreneur mindset is essential for sustainable growth

As I continue my solopreneur journey, I’ve come to believe that we are often our own biggest saboteurs. Developing a resilient entrepreneur mindset is just as crucial as developing your business strategy. Without addressing why we self-sabotage our own success, even the bestest business plans will stall.

Borrowing what Dave said: [success] means so different from one person to another. For me right now, success is the ability to hold these new mindsets and maintain a sense of curiosity.

Having only known corporate before starting this solopreneur journey, I was used to following instructions, tracking KPIs, and relying on systems built by others.

But I can’t do that anymore. As a solopreneur, I am the system, and I have to build that from the ground up through time and experience. And if I don’t have a healthy mental foundation to begin with, I won’t grow a healthy business.

So friends of Substack, this is not a sponsored post nor is it commissioned. But I am genuinely having a great time working with on my growth. If you’re a solopreneur or are someone interested in working on your life or career, and want to try out the 7 Life Areas framework for free, do so from the link below.

Try the 7 Life Areas Framework

The journey is yours!

To growth 💙

Annisa

I started writing on Substack in December 2025 because I needed a safe space to shed. My outdated conditioning and my new self were clashing, burning me out in the process of it all.

From projecting my own insecurities onto the already broken corporate system to the fear of restarting life at 30 in a new country.

Healing was more than necessary.

For months, we talked about deconditioning ourselves from unhealthy habits. With expert guest features, we spoke about:

• Perfectionism and cost of being reliable

• The importance of acknowledging emotions

• Building boundaries by saying no

• Courage to disappoint others to build ourselves

• And the most recent: decoding imposter syndrome

From showing up vulnerable, I was able to heal this part of me together with 350+ of you that responds on the comments or directly via email.

Because when December 2025 Annisa started, I only wanted to have a safe space. Who knew that it led me to connecting with so many cool people with similar experiences or going through similar transitions.

I am BEYOND grateful for you.

Bear with me… I’ll get to the point. I’m a bit emotional as I write this post because all I can think of is how lucky I have been to meet and be supported by everyone as I rebuild myself from 0.

Building the next chapter

As you can tell, this is not our usual Healing Out Loud post. Because I’m here today to share an exciting update for this newsletter:

We’re rebranding ourselves to:

*Que in the crowd cheering, followed by questions and confusion.

A Safe Space:

Growing Out Loud and Healing Out Loud - both are meant to be a safe space. The first six months of writing this publication, I was in a pretty dark space. And I needed a platform to take myself out of it. Thus, Healing Out Loud was born.

In March 2026, my husband and I found out we were expecting our firstborn! And through the first trimester trenches, my body forced me to do nothing for the whole two months.

My therapy sessions intensified: journaling, reviewing what I want to do with my life, and in particular with this publication. I had myself in mind, but of course you too. Because I intend to continue giving back to the community that has allowed me to heal my burnout, out loud.

What came out of these 2 months of being a hermit was clarity and readiness. Clear how I wanted to move forward with my life, and align that with how I wanted us to continue growing together!

Thus, the name Growing Out Loud.

So what’s next? And what to expect?

Growing Out Loud is a safe space to grow.

Meaning, we will still learn together from real-life mistakes -only this time, we focus on personal mistakes related to growing something for ourselves. In my case, it’s growing a business.

I’m making this conscious transition because I feel like I am no longer aligned with career-related conversations, as I no longer have a career. And I don’t want to cling to my past; I want to move forward.

That being said, three things you can definitely expect:

• Practical learnings from myself and fellow entrepreneurs alike

• Tips and strategies to put ourselves out there and let our talents be discovered by doing personal branding

• Growth stories and mindset shifts for us who are transitioning from growing a career to owning a business

Subscribe now

But… this is entirely different than what I expected when I first subscribed to you. What do I do?

I absolutely understand, and it’s TOTALLY okay.

I learn to realize and accept that, like seasons, relationships can come and go. I would love it if you could stick around and suggest topics that you’d like to read, OR this is where we part ways, and it’s okay!

So, what else is new?

Growing Out Loud will be posting every Wednesday from this point onward. I find it a great time to reset on Wednesdays before we finish the week, so we can give it more thought on the weekend.

I’m still posting 1x every 2 weeks, and still inviting guest posts and feature expert stories! So if you’re interested in this new direction, please let me know. I’m drafting some ideas for the rest of the year (before I go into maternity leave in late October!)

An invitation for you!

The numbers don’t show that I’m starting over, but it does feel like I am!

So I don’t want this to be a one-way street, and I want to continue learning, building, and growing with and from you. This community has been and always will be a collaborative space, and I’m excited to see how we can inspire each other.

This is your open invitation, so let me know if you have any thoughts or feedback. I’m open in the comments or DMs!

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for staying. I am so grateful to have grown to this phase of life with you.

December 2025-Annisa would’ve not have imagined she’d be here today. And I know I would not have done it without your support.

To many more things together, and to growth!

With much gratitude 💙
Annisa

So to understand it better, I approached , an independent neuroscience researcher with a PhD in engineering who uses neuroscience to “reverse engineer a better mind”. I asked her about Imposter Syndrome: what happens when we feel like a fraud, and how do we unwire it.

According to Juliette, to untangle a lifetime of linking self-worth to our output, we have to approach the problem from two fronts: the cognitive (the prefrontal cortex) and the limbic (the emotional, felt level).

Here are some neurobiological tools she suggested for dismantling imposter syndrome.

Part 1: The Cognitive Shifts, Calming the Prefrontal Cortex

Our prefrontal cortex (PFC) is our brain’s executive center that handles logic, planning, and objective processing. When imposter syndrome strikes, our emotional brain sounds an alarm, and our PFC gets hijacked by anxiety.

To keep our logical brain online, Juliette suggests three deliberate cognitive shifts:

1. Treat self-worth as axiomatic

High-performers usually view self-worth as something they have to earn every single day. If they have a productive day, their self-worth goes up; if they make a mistake, it plummets.

• How we can shift this: Decide that our self-worth is axiomatic, a mathematical term meaning it is an established, self-evident truth that requires no proof. You don’t have to prove your right to exist or be respected; it is innate.

• In layman’s terms: Your value as a human being is a basic, unarguable fact.

2. Shift to “Intrinsic Identity Statements”

When we define ourselves by external labels (“I am a successful manager,” “I am an expert”), we create fragile identities. The moment we make a mistake, that identity is threatened.

• How we can shift this: Anchor our identity to our intrinsic values instead of status. Use internal statements like:

  • “I am a person who deeply values curiosity.”

  • “I am someone who cares about hard work and learning.”

  • These values are entirely within our control. No external assessment or bad day can take them away from us!

3. Reframe external feedback before reading it

When we receive feedback, our threat-detection system (the amygdala) often interprets criticism of our work as an attack on our personhood.

• How we can shift this: Before we open an evaluation, look at metrics, or walk into a performance review, tell ourselves: “This data is about a specific project or metric. It is feedback on a task, not a grade on my value as a human being.”

• If we feel the emotional “sting” of negative feedback, ask our PFC to do what it does best: analyze.

• Ask ourselves objectively: “Is there a specific piece of data here I can learn from?” This simple question forces our brain to shift from emotional panic to problem-solving.

Part 2: The Limbic Shifts, Rewiring the “Felt” Experience

To truly quiet the imposter loop, we have to change how our bodies and emotional centers register safety and worth. This means gathering neurological evidence that we are safe even when we aren’t “performing.”

To do that, Juliette suggests a few things:

Praise the process, not the outcome

If we only celebrate when we hit a home run, our brain learns that only the final destination matters. In order to build resilience, we can start by intentionally praising our own efforts.

Savor unconditional love

Our brains have a high negativity bias; we quickly forget moments of safety and hyper-focus on threats. To counteract this, Juliette recommends looking for and “savoring” moments of unconditional love.

• This doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It can be your partner bringing you coffee without being asked, your child giving you a random hug, or even your pet being thrilled to see you when you walk through the door.

• Let’s practice: When these moments happen, don’t just brush them off. Pause for 15 to 30 seconds. Feel the safety of being cared for when you are doing absolutely nothing to “earn” it. This builds real-time neural evidence that you have value simply because you exist.

Part 3: Memory Reconsolidation

One of the most profound tools Juliette shared is a process called memory reconsolidation.

If you have a historical memory of success where you felt like a complete fraud, you can use this biological window of plasticity to “edit” the memory and restore it as an earned achievement.

5-Minute Memory Reconsolidation Exercise To Try At Home

We can practice this exercise daily to systematically update our history of “fraudulent” wins.

1. Retrieve the memory: Think of a specific moment of success from your past where you felt like a total fraud (e.g., getting a promotion, receiving an award, graduating, or delivering a highly praised presentation).

2. Engage with the context: Close your eyes and fully visualize the scene. Where were you standing? What was the lighting like? Who was there? Allow your brain to bring up the original emotional context. This step is crucial because it activates the hippocampus and makes the memory “labile” (pliable).

3. List your earned evidence: While actively feeling that memory, write down (or list in your head) every single concrete action and instance of hard work you did to make that success happen.

   • Examples: The exact number of hours you spent researching at your desk, the edits you made late at night, the books you read, or the emotional energy you spent practicing.

4. Update the file: If your brain tries to tell you, “Oh, I just got lucky,” ignore the excuse and keep looking until you find at least one or two undeniable instances of your own effort. By introducing this factual evidence of your hard work while the memory is open and active, you physically rewire how that memory is saved.

The Result: Over time, the emotional “sting” of that memory will fade. Instead of feeling like a fluke, your brain will begin to categorize your past milestones as genuine, earned successes.

Personally, when Juliette shared this exercise with me during our interview, I was completely blown away. I realized this is why therapy and journaling help us recover and heal.

Small Steps to Unlearning Imposter Syndrome

Dismantling imposter syndrome won’t be overnight. Just because we know why it happened and how to unwire it, we can cure it by doing these practices once. It’s a journey on its own, and it requires repetition.

To summarize, Juliette suggests keeping these three micro-practices in your back pocket:

• Morning: Frame your day with an intrinsic identity statement: “Today, I am showing up as a person who values curiosity and persistence.”

• Throughout the Day: Notice moments of self-judgment. Gently interrupt them by asking, “Is this feedback about my worth as a person, or is it just a specific data point I can learn from?”

• Evening: Spend 20 seconds savoring a moment of unconditional connection. Let your nervous system remember what it feels like to be valued simply for existing.

Imposter Syndrome is a common phenomenon in high achievers. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be, and you can change it.

Beginning this process can feel incredibly overwhelming, and it takes a genuine, daily commitment to mindfulness. The good news is, it gets easier the more we practice! This is not about achieving a flawless overnight transformation; rather, it is about the small, compounding efforts we make every single day.

I truly hope this article has helped open up some breathing room for you today.

If you have more questions about neuroscience or just want to share your own experience, feel free to reach out and contact Juliette directly on Substack!

Subscribe to @hereisyourbrain

I was not the only one. In fact, it’s a very common phenomenon. Research suggests that up to 70% of people will experience these feelings at some point in their lives. It is particularly pervasive among high achievers at the top of their fields; for them, the more they accomplish, the more they feel like they are simply standing on a house of cards.

This disconnect between external success and internal worth is exactly what led me to .

Dana Aonofriesei

I ran an experiment on how confident tech professionals are talking about their value

I was preparing for interviews with beta users, pulling data from a prototype I’d been running…

Read more

5 months ago · 2 likes · Dana Aonofriesei

Juliette is an independent researcher with a PhD in engineering who has published numerous papers and received prestigious awards. Yet, for years, she lived with the same quiet dread. She assumed she was just “gaming the system,” a feeling that eventually led to a total burnout. That breaking point became her catalyst: she pivoted into neuroscience to understand the “first principles” of the brain and dismantle her own anxiety.

Today, Juliette is helping us understand that Imposter Syndrome is a deeply-seated neurochemical prior, not just low confidence.

Here is the science behind why we feel like frauds, even when the evidence says otherwise.

1. The Installation of “Conditional Self-Worth”

Our brains operate on “priors”, predictions based on past experiences. For many high achievers, these priors are installed in childhood.

When well-meaning parents praise outcomes (the grade, the trophy, the “good child” label) rather than the process, they inadvertently create a core belief: I only have value when I am achieving.

This creates a “Perfection Ceiling.” If 100% is the baseline expectation, there is no room for a “positive surprise” to boost our self-worth. There is only the catastrophic drop that happens when we hit 99%.

2. The Survival Logic of the “Dopamine Dip”

Why does a minor critique feel like a life-or-death situation?

In our evolutionary history, social ostracisation was a death sentence. To keep us in line, our brains developed a high sensitivity to negative feedback.

When we receive a negative evaluation, two things happen in rapid succession:

1. A Dopamine Dip: Our reward system shuts down.

2. A Noradrenaline Spike: Our stress response ignites.

Because the brain weighs negative feedback more heavily than positive feedback, we process a small mistake as a “dire threat” to our social standing. For someone with Imposter Syndrome, this neurochemical reaction confirms our deepest fear: I’ve been found out.

3. Resolving the “Fraud” Dissonance

Imposter Syndrome is essentially a math problem the brain is trying to solve.

• The External Data: Everyone thinks I’m brilliant and capable.

• The Internal Data: I feel worthless and anxious in the gaps between my achievements.

To resolve this mismatch (cognitive dissonance), the brain looks for the most logical explanation. It doesn’t conclude that it’s being too hard on itself; it concludes that it has tricked everyone.

This is why high achievers often underplay their success. They credit luck, timing, or “gaming the system” rather than their own competence. It is a protective mechanism to keep the internal and external worlds aligned.

4. Selective Evidence Collection

Once the “I am a fraud” prior is established, the brain becomes a biased detective.

It actively latches on to minor mistakes as evidence of unworthiness while dismissing broad successes as outliers. We aren’t just feeling like frauds; our neural pathways are actively filtering out any evidence that suggests we are actually capable.

What I’ve learned

Imposter Syndrome is real, and it’s not a personality flaw. If anything, it’s a conditioned response. Our brain is following a “prior” that links our value to our output.

The brain is neuroplastic, these “priors” are not set in stone. Just as we once learned to link our worth to our grades, we can unlearn it. We can dismantle the survival logic that treats a mistake as a threat and rewire our brains to collect evidence of our actual competence.

If you’ve read it this far, you’ve taken the first step towards dismantling Imposter Syndrome. Understanding the “why” will make the “how” easier.

In our next article, Juliette will walk us through the neuroscientific tools to rewire these patterns and separate our self-worth from our output.

Subscribe to @hereisyourbrain

This is a little bonus article for you because I stumbled upon an experience that I felt I just had to share. If you’re currently dealing with a lot of heavy emotions or feeling completely overwhelmed, this one is especially for you.

Lately, I’ve realized something about myself: I use “busy work” as a form of protection. When I’m cleaning, planning, or working, I don’t have to feel what's bubbling under the surface. But those hidden emotions don’t go away just because we’re productive; they wait for us to stop.

So, I decided to stop. I set a timer and spent 60 minutes doing absolutely nothing. No phone, no book, no chores. Just me.

Here’s how it went:

Stage 1: The resistance

The first 15 to 20 minutes were honestly just loud. My brain was like a radio stuck between stations. I found myself “stimming”, singing all the “brain rot” TikTok sounds I’d heard during my morning doom-scrolling. Then suddenly, I started reviewing my client meetings.

After a while, the first real wave of emotion hit: Anxiety. My mind started screaming: “Why am I doing this? This is a total waste of time. Maybe 60 minutes is too long... I should have just done 15.” I’d like to name this: the resistance stage. I realize it’s the part of me that is terrified of being alone with myself because I know some emotions will arise, and I won’t be able to control it.

Stage 2: The confrontation

Once the initial panic had settled, the emotions got a bit more heavier (real). I felt a wave of anger and frustration. My inner critic took the wheel and started listing everything I was “failing” at: “The house is messy. Why hasn’t the laundry been done? Why aren’t you spending enough time with your husband?”

I realized these emotions had made my body feel more tense than when I started. I started to stretch and yawn, over and over, even though I wasn’t sleepy. In retrospect, I think it was my body letting go of the “productivity pressure.”

What came after that was sadness. I tried to pinpoint it, where it came from. But nothing came up. I wasn’t sad about anything in particular. So, I let it be. I let it sit with me. I just welcomed it like a guest.

Stage 3: The “finish line”

After that sadness passed through me, I felt light. I started having these funny, sweet memories from my life. I looked around my bedroom and noticed things out of place, but instead of feeling bothered or stressed, I found them funny. I felt a genuine appreciation for my surroundings and somehow, life in general.

Around the 40-minute mark, my cat wandered in. He wanted pets, and I felt this massive rush of endorphins. Because I had been “bored” for so long, the simple act of petting my cat felt like the best thing in the world.

The last few minutes felt the longest. That “inner critic” tried to come back for a second visit, but because I’d already acknowledged her once, she didn’t stay long. When the timer finally went off, I felt a jolt of euphoria. It felt like I’d just crossed the finish line of a marathon.

What I learned from this (and why I want you to try it)

1. Doom-scrolling is a lid on a pot. The more we scroll, the more we repress our real feelings.

2. Emotions are like guests. If you don’t open the door and acknowledge them, they’ll just keep knocking louder (in the form of headaches, tension, or snapping at people you love).

3. Busy work is a distraction. We spend so much time listening to our “to-do list” that we forget to listen to our inner selves.

Would I do this every day? Nope. It won’t be realistic and probably would beat the purpose. But, I’ll definitely do it again in a month or two when the overwhelm starts to creep back in.

I 100% recommend trying this. Set a timer, sit on your bed or the floor, and just... exist. Let the TikTok/Reels sounds play out, let the anger visit, and wait for the sadness to pass. There is such a beautiful lightness waiting for you on the other side.

Welcome, May!

Annisa

For the longest time, we were sold a single, predictable map. We walked the path with our heads down: graduate school, find the degree, secure a full-time job, climb the ladder, retire. We were taught that stability was the ultimate prize and that straying from the “given path” was odd.

But it is now 2026, and the air has changed.

no but seriously

The stable job is dead. So what do we do now?

Last week I wrote my first Substack piece about the death of the stable job. The response kind of caught me off guard: 200+ likes, over 70 new subscribers. All in 1 week…

Read more

6 months ago · 229 likes · 81 comments · Pilar Suquilvide

The old system is starting to feel outdated, and our collective psyche is no longer satisfied with comfort at the cost of our souls. We are living through a massive transition, a period where many of us are choosing to hit the “restart” button at the very age society told us we should be peaking.

But here is the question we must ask ourselves:

Are we actually ready to restart?

Handing in a resignation letter is easy. Serving a two-week notice feels like a countdown to New Year’s Eve, a promise of a “new you” and “total freedom”. We pack our boxes, walk out those glass doors, and never look back. Great!

But there is something we carry out with us that isn’t in those boxes: our old conditioning.

Too many of us are trying to build a new life while still running on old software (as my therapist said). We expect to excel in something new at the speed we used to, and results we knew how to make happen in one quarter. Completely forgetting that we are now starting from scratch with little to no foundation.

Our old conditioning is blocking our becoming

I think of my friend who moved abroad to follow her dreams, only to realize she had brought her rigid, hometown expectations with her. She was in a new country, but her mind was still stuck in the old one, trying to force a new culture into her old habits. She eventually shared her learning: “No matter where we go, if we don’t update our mindset, we’ll just create the same problem and face the same challenges.”

Another friend of mine recently tried to escape burnout by immediately starting a new job. She realized she had miscalculated the timeline and overestimated her capability for “healing” the burnout. Two months into her new role, she felt the same dread. She learned that burnout doesn’t disappear because you have a new boss or a new role or a better salary; it follows us until we choose to recognize it and heal it.

And last, I think of myself. I left the corporate world to build my marketing consultancy, only to find that I had become my own worst boss. I expected myself to be an expert in a brand-new field in a brand-new country by month one. It was like trying to win a marathon I have never trained for! I’ve finally realized that this was the source of my anxiety.

Giving ourselves a grace period

These stories have taught me that every restart requires a grace period. I mean… even full-time jobs have probation periods, no? So if you experienced something similar, please hear this:

1. Give yourself time to grieve the old you: We have to let go of the person we used to be to make room for the person we are becoming. This includes accepting that some people will be disappointed by our change, which could also be ourselves. Let it happen.

2. Give yourself time to be “bad” at new things: We are exploring brand-new territories. It is okay to be a beginner again. It takes time to build new networks, tools, and systems from scratch. Most of us didn’t give ourselves enough time to be bad, and this is why most of us fail in the first place.

3. Give yourself time to update your perspective: You are no longer playing the role society expected of you. This is a new persona. It requires a new set of beliefs and a new vision. It will take time to shape, and it will also shed the wrong people away and attract the right people to you.

Undiluted

Being "Disliked": How 'People Pleasing' Is Killing Your Business.

By the time us Gen-Xers hit our 40s and 50s, we have become masters of the “universal” tone…

Read more

7 months ago · 4 likes · 2 comments · Undiluted

A brand new persistent you

The bridge between our old lives and our new ones is built with persistence. But we must first redefine what that word means.

In the old system, “persistence” meant the “grind,” pushing until we broke. This time, it has to mean something else, and we get to decide what it is. We didn’t leave the old system to build a new version of misery. Some of us may leave it for freedom, agency; for me, I left it for balance.

If doubt starts telling us that “we are not doing enough”, recognize it for what it is: our old conditioning. When that voice tells us we’re failing because we aren’t moving at “corporate speed,” listen instead to our new selves, the ones asking us to slow down and breathe.

So, if you are restarting, too, remember: You don’t have to prove anything to the old system anymore. Be kind to the person you are becoming. Let’s keep going, and let’s do it differently this time.

Sending strength and rooting for you.

Annisa.

Thank you for your patience in April!

There are quite a lot of things happening in the background, including growing a bun in the oven! Realistically, I’m pushing back my marketing consultancy launch towards August, but I’m still committed to publishing on Substack, 3x every month. Why? Because I realize this is where I found most of my joy!

That being said, up next in May, we’ll explore the very familiar topic of “imposter syndrome”. I’m featuring a guest who has a PhD in engineering, and she is “using neuroscience to reverse engineer a better mind.” We’ll dive into the inner workings of our brains, and explore what is actually happening when we doubt ourselves and how we can befriend it.

Speak then!

💙

He left a stable career in aerospace engineering for the uncertainty of a startup, navigating through the judgments of those who couldn’t understand why he would walk away from success.

Soon, he will no longer work as an engineer; he is not yet a successful founder, but he is finally becoming himself.

Rejection is redirection

Born and raised in Spain, was 12 years old when his father first taught him to program. He came of age during the telecom boom of the 2000s, when infrastructure projects poured into the country. This series of events influenced Borja to enter the world of engineering.

Over the next decade, he built a successful engineering career, which led him to relocate to Germany. There, he designed critical systems like jet engines for Rolls-Royce.

When his unit at Rolls-Royce ultimately closed, Borja began a search for a new prestigious role and eventually landed an interview with a perfect $3 billion company: a C-level role, a high salary, and the freedom to work from anywhere. They liked him so much that they offered the job on the spot.

Riding that high, Borja went home, only to receive a shocking call from the recruiter: “We’ve changed our mind and decided to go with another candidate.”

It was the final blow.

While taking time off to recover, Borja began to journal. Climbing the corporate ladder was no longer his vision. Engineering had given him the skills to build systems, but he realized he could apply those skills to something more personal.

So he decided to quit the industry entirely and rebuild himself as the founder of Ara Journals.

This drastic change shocked the people closest to him, ultimately his mother. To her, it looked like he was throwing years of hard effort into the bin just to start from scratch.

“I think the hardest part of having the courage to be disliked isn’t facing strangers. It’s the people who love you, not understanding why what-looks-like-a-great-life doesn’t feel like yours.”

His mother was the one he feared the most to disappoint. She struggled to understand his decision, reminding him: “You don’t know how fortunate you are to be in the position you are in right now.” This reframing of his doubt as ingratitude made Borja question whether he was wrong for wanting something different.

Despite the doubt, Borja leaned into the momentum. He researches, writes, networks, and shows up every day through the challenges.

He has eventually come to accept that doubt and persistence can coexist.

3 Exercises to build the courage to disappoint

As of this article’s publication, Borja’s last day at his current job is fast approaching. “I haven’t arrived anywhere,” he says. “I just have the work and the conviction that this is mine in a way that nothing before it was.”

And through his journey, Borja found three tools that helped him befriend his doubt and stay on his new path.

1. Borja’s version of “Pie of Life”: First, define what you value. Don’t rate your career from 1 to 10 based on external success; prioritize your internal north star.

2. Working on acceptance more concretely: Categorize your current challenges based on three columns:

3. The Daily Highlight: Journaling is most effective when it leads to actions. Write down one concrete item with a specific time and place that you will do today. One step reveals the next.

Building for lasting impact

During our interview, Borja showed me his desk full of samples and previous versions. One is better than the next versions. He aims to build something with a lasting impact by consulting with mental health professionals to comment on the approach of the journals.

I’m personally excited for Ara Journals and rooting for Borja. His courage to quit a prestigious industry and build something meaningful for the community inspired me to continue with my own journey towards resilience.

✨ Ara Journals is looking for your help! ✨

While cherishing his final days with the corporate world, he is also now in the final stages of developing his first guided journal, “Quiet Your Mind.” Unlike a blank notebook, it is a structured practice based on cognitive science, designed to help overthinkers get out of their heads and into action. And he needs our help!

Ara Journals are looking for:

1. Beta testers for the physical journal: has a free PDF sample to be sent to a small group before launch! Anyone interested can email him directly at hello@arajournals.com or direct message him on Substack.

2. Quiz + journal preview: for readers who want a lighter entry point, the quiz takes 2 minutes, and you get a peek at the journal content right after!

Take the quiz here!

Restarting is hard as it is. But I believe with a supportive community, it doesn’t have to be lonely!

In fact, writing this article is probably how I’m processing it.

The well-mannered kid, perfect

Growing up, I was always a chatty child. I was known to be confident, friendly, easy to talk to, and overall a well-mannered kid.

When I was 6 years old or so, I remember being at a family function that ran on for too long. I didn’t throw a tantrum; I just poked my mother and told her, “I’m tired, can we go home?”

A family member who was talking to my mother saw this and said, “Annisa, you are such a polite kid. Then she asked my mom, “Are you proud of her?” My mom, with a big grin on her face, said, “Of course. Do you know that she didn’t even cry that much as a baby? She’s perfect.”

That comment made me happy. I felt rewarded for repressing my emotions.

The grieving teenager, consoling

My mom passed away in 2012 after battling cancer for four years. And thunder struck twice in our family because my father passed away three years after that, in 2015, also from aggressive cancer.

At my father’s funeral, the room was filled with people weeping for me. As an only child who had now lost both parents at 19 years old, I became an object of intense pity. The weight of their sympathy felt suffocating at that time. So I reversed the role and started consoling them for my own tragedy.

When an aunt (whom I hadn’t seen for years) came up to me and told me to “cry more”, I pretended to cry just to give her something.

The ambitious global marketer, striving?

Throughout my career, I have always been known to be reliable. Have you got an urgent email to blast to 2,500 factory workers at 7 p.m.? I've got you. This half-a-million-dollar project needs to be delivered in half the average preparation time? Absolutely.

Also read:

I have known since childhood that being reliable and likable would get me places. In my mind, it would bring me closer to more promotions and bigger job titles. So that’s what I did for my entire career: putting my job ahead of my own needs.

And in November 2025, my body said enough.

How did I end up being a people pleaser?

Raised in an Asian household, I was steeped in a culture of quietude and respect. My upbringing centered on a single, unspoken rule: never be a nuisance. I learned to prioritize the collective harmony of the room over my own voice, unaware that too much of this "virtue" created a people-pleaser out of me.

I have been taught that this is the way to go in life: be reliable, respectful, small, and I will surely be safe.

Just like saying “yes” to impossible tasks, or when I pretended to be okay during my parents’ funerals, or when I was being calm when I wanted to go home, I put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine because I was taught that before I could even pronounce the word “polite”.

Unlearning

I’m 30 now and in therapy. Every two weeks, my therapist and I work through something to unlearn. This time, we’ll be unlearning people-pleasing behavior.

Having jobs abroad and working internationally has helped me unlearn it unconsciously. I became more confident in taking up space when talking to someone from a different background and upbringing. It helped me a lot. That’s probably why I love meeting new people; you can always learn something new.

So here’s what I’ve learned so far:

I used to think being likable was a personality trait. Now I see it was a shield. If everyone liked me, no one could hurt me. But that shield also kept me from real, deep connections. You can’t truly be known by someone if you aren’t willing to disagree with them or is unwilling to hear their disagreement.

Healing

It’s going to take a long time to pluck this out of me; it’s been rooted for a long time. But I’m courageous, committed, and supported. I have my husband (who is ironically a contrarian, lol!), my closest friends, my therapist, and you, who are reading this on Substack.

In practice, I’ll start by reading the book The Courage to Be Disliked. To be honest, I have known about this book for so long, yet I have been avoiding it like the plague because it contradicts my previous people-pleaser beliefs. But it is time to face that.

And I’m going to do one thing I never thought I’d do in my life: sales. I’m a full-time marketing consultant now with my own consultancy. I’m helping solopreneurs build their marketing from scratch or helping professionals and individuals with personal branding. To acquire clients, I’ll do outreach, which is the worst type of sales for me, the people pleaser. Hearing the word “no” over and over again will surely be the “exposure therapy” I need to remind me that I am no longer that person.

This is my first article written from the starting line. It took a lot of courage to do it, but the Substack community has encouraged me so much that I decided to publish it.

So if you made it here, thank you for lending me your strength.

On to the journey. Wish me luck 💙

When I first started on Substack, I went all in.

I wanted it to be my side hustle because the “gurus” promised I could achieve that in just three months if I followed their steps. So I did exactly what they said: I posted Notes every day, wrote a long-form post every week, kept a strict content calendar, collaborated with experts, and promoted myself relentlessly.

For the first two months, it worked! I had my first 100 subscribers. Until one day, I felt like I hit a wall. I was dreading the blank page. I promise it wasn’t laziness; there was just no inspiration.

That’s when I realized my approach needed to change.

The gurus taught me discipline, not growth

Between a few YouTube videos and a social media course I bought (yikes, embarrassing. But I learned!), I was taught a framework, one where frequency is of importance. I learned how to be disciplined, but I was disciplining myself toward a version of growth that wasn’t mine.

To be fair, it wasn’t all bad:

• Daily Notes forced me to reflect more often.

• Weekly writing helped me sharpen my thinking and finally gave me a space to explore my own ideas more deeply.

• Collaborations were the highlight; I learned so much by sharing the wisdom of others.

So, was the “guru” advice total BS? Mostly, yes. But it taught me the discipline I needed at the time.

Now, I’m ready to build a framework that actually fits my vision.

Did I intend to go viral with that note?

I took a step back to ask what I actually enjoyed. I decided to “drop, hold, and let go” of certain expectations. A philosophy I recently learned from Nicole Johnson’s .

And on a random Saturday morning, I wrote that note that ended up resonating with so many of us, it generated 1,888 clicks.

So no, I did not intend to go viral with that note.

What I’ve learned from this experience

1. On Authenticity:

I’m a firm believer in being authentic. Call me naïve or idealistic, but I won’t budge on this. I have never seen a successful person who is also truly fulfilled without being authentic.

I want my success to be built on being comfortable in my own skin: knowing when to quit, when to say no, and when to share. When you speak from a place of true authenticity, your audience resonates with you. People can sense when you’re trying to “hack” their attention versus when you’re actually sharing a piece of yourself.

And this is how I will always approach the opportunities in front of me, from this point onwards.

2. On Growth:

I used to believe growth only meant “more.” A better title, a higher salary, more followers. I thought I needed a massive audience before I could ever launch my marketing consultancy. I was wrong. Growth can also mean an increase in quality, creating less “spam,” and writing for a community instead of just for yourself.

When growth comes from a place of desperation, it feels rushed and forced. From a reader’s perspective, a desperate post feels like an ad, but an authentic post feels like a conversation. When growth comes from authenticity, it expresses itself as quality, and that quality is what naturally attracts the right people.

At the end of the day, we are talking to humans, not algorithms.

What’s next for Healing Out Loud?

I’m launching a course on how to go viral with Substack Notes.

JUST KIDDING!

I’m going to keep writing about the topics this Substack was made for, roughly three times a month:

• Burnout prevention: Recognizing the signs before your body forces you to stop.

• Authentic self-branding: Building a presence that doesn’t require you to be someone else.

• Career pivots: Navigating the shift from the “grind” to intentional growth.

This viral moment hasn’t changed who I am or what I stand for, though I am grateful for the 100+ new connections it brought here (welcome, everyone!)

So, as always, thank you for spending March with me. We’ve discussed “Give to Gain”, how to be a strategic giver at work without burning out on “non-promotable tasks.” In April, we’re diving into the internal shift required to make these boundaries stick: The Courage to Be Disliked.

Often, the biggest barrier to saying “no” is the fear of social friction. We’ve been conditioned to think that being liked is a prerequisite for success. Together, we’ll explore how to break free from the “approval trap.”

A very special guest will also join us! Formerly an aerospace engineer working on complex flight systems, he paused from a high-stakes industry to prioritize his mental health. He now creates beautiful journals and advocates for a slower pace of life. He’ll be sharing his story of unlearning the “hustle” and finding the bravery to start over.

See you then,
Annisa 💙

Nicole realized she had been conditioned to believe that being “always on” and slightly dysregulated was just a synonym for professionalism.

But are you being strategically positioned by being helpful?

Dysregulated women are workplace heroes

Nicole Johnson was a striving leader in big tech. Carrying 27 years of experience, she built teams, mentored individuals, and delivered results at companies like Target, Best Buy, and Amazon. She was the ideal career woman and everything a leader should be. At home, Nicole was a dedicated solo parent to her “medically complex and awesome” son, providing constant care through heart surgeries and recovery.

In October 2024, she had been pushing through an intense season: navigating layoffs on her very first day and managing a team through high-stakes uncertainty. The stress of it caused her body to react: insomnia, “spinning” thoughts, and one day, she woke up with shingles on the side of her face. As the high-performing leader she is, she still showed up for the next meeting.

Only when a colleague looked at her and said, ‘Nicole, you need to take time off,’ did she finally allow herself to stop. That external validation was the permission she needed to finally rest.

Also read:

Drop More, Hold Less

The Workplace Runs on Dysregulated Women

The modern workplace depends on a particular kind of nervous system, even though it rarely names it…

Read more

10 months ago · 1453 likes · 196 comments · Drop More, Hold Less

The “Drop More, Hold Less” Philosophy

After a four-month leave of absence, Nicole returned to work expecting a different outcome. Although she had rested, her environment remained the same. The “spinning” thoughts and insomnia returned within two months. She finally realized that the environment was toxic to her health. That’s how she understood that she needed to resign.

Fast forward to today, Nicole is a coach who helps high-achievers thrive long before a physical breakdown. In our interview, I asked her: If you were to coach your past self, what would you have told her?

She told me it’s about breaking the link between our output and our worth. We over-give because we think being “useful” is our only value. Her new philosophy, “Drop More, Hold Less,” is a commitment to splitting our identity from our job title.

Here’s how to do it:

Two important strategies for high-performing women at work

1. Pause and take your time

“You are allowed to pause and think before making a decision.”

We often feel that we have to answer things directly. Whether it’s a question, favor, demand, request, or tasks, we have to say “yes” instantly to prove we are helpful. But being a strategic leader means reflecting before answering.

So Nicole suggested, before you take on that next “urgent” task, ask yourself:

• Does this directly move one of my 1–3 core outcomes?

• Does this increase my visibility or decision authority?

• Does this protect or drain my non-negotiable capacity (sleep, family, movement)?

If the answer is “no” across the board, you aren’t doing “work”, you’re doing maintenance or emotional labor.

2. “No” is a full sentence (and a strategic one)

And when we realize we cannot or don’t want to take on a task that does not align with our goals, we can say no without damaging our reputation. Nicole suggests scripts that position you as a partner, instead of a bottleneck:

Script 1: The Priority Trade-off: “I can certainly take that on. However, my main priority right now is Goal X, which is tied to our quarterly targets. If I take this on, Goal X will be delayed. Which one would you like me to prioritize?”

Script 2: The One-Time Hand-off: “I’m happy to help with this task this time to get us through the hurdle. However, this isn’t a long-term fit for my role’s direction. Let’s look at how we can distribute this more effectively across the team next time.”

Share

How to move forward: Your Decision Rubric

We often confuse being needed with being strategically positioned. Many women default to a “yes” that eventually may lead to burnout. To break the cycle of overworking, we have to create intentional “white space” to audit our to-do list. Nicole suggested we use this rubric to decide where our energy actually goes to:

Share

I met Nicole for the very first time for this interview. In just 40 minutes, she shared empathy, inspiration, and strategic advice.

If I had met Nicole the coach a year ago, I probably would not have been here writing this article. I’d likely still be “enduring” a situation that was breaking me and trying to work through my own “helpfulness” trap. But I’m very glad to have met her now, so we can share these strategies with you, as we celebrate International Women’s Day together.

✨ Want to reclaim your focus?

If this article resonated with you, Nicole is offering limited free 50-minute Energy Audits the week of 16th March 2026. Join her to see where your capacity is actually going and how to stop the drain.

Claim your FREE energy audit

In the session, you will:

• Map where your energy is currently going across work, emotional labor, and invisible responsibilities

• Identify which tasks are truly strategic vs. “helpful maintenance” work

• Clarify your non-negotiables so your capacity is protected

• Leave with 2–3 concrete ways to reclaim time and shift toward more strategic contribution

If the sessions fill up, or you don’t find a suitable time slot, feel free to reach out directly to nicole@meny.me or message Nicole through Substack.

✨ Exclusive Free Gift for Healing Out Loud Subscribers

For Healing Out Loud readers, Nicole is also offering a complimentary discovery call if you’d like a few practical ideas on how to move away from default “helpful mode” and toward more strategic positioning at work.

Book your FREE Session!

In a corporate environment that values transactions over kindness, how far does being helpful actually take you?

The story of a dangling carrot

I entered the new fiscal year riding the high of a stellar performance review. I’d just landed the biggest bonus of my career, and being the most senior person on the team, I was told I was “in line” for a promotion.

To get there, my manager said I needed to take on tasks outside my scope for visibility. I was excited to say the least: I got to be helpful AND get promoted? This was my song.

For the rest of the year, I went all in. The critical mistakes that weren’t mine were fixed, stale office politics were mediated, new joiners were mentored, and events were MC’d just for the fun of it.

By the next performance review, I walked into the meeting room, chin up, ready to present. I listed all of it: every credit, every fix, every time I was being visibly helpful. I finished my closing statement and waited for the validation to come in.

Instead, what I got was a 3% raise and a shrug.

🤷🏻‍♀️: “Sorry, we don’t have the budget to promote you this cycle. And honestly, the hierarchy doesn’t allow for it right now because we’re a flat organization, as you know.”

Livid, my heart started pounding in my ears. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT LAST YEAR?” That’s what I wanted to scream.

But all that came out was: “Oh, okay. I understand.”

I went home, cried, and blamed the culture, the politics, everything. But once the heat faded, I realized:

I’d been playing the “helpful” card all wrong.

It’s all business, baby

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this:

There’s a concept called Non-Promotable Tasks (NPTs) that I’ve recently came across. These are the “office housework”: tasks that matter to the organization but do nothing for your career advancement. NPTs keep the lights on, but NPTs don’t get you significantly noticed.

And the kicker: research shows that women spend about 200 more hours per year on these tasks than men do.

But this is not about gender. This is about being strategic.

If I knew then what I know now

Looking back, I realize I shouldn’t have just nodded when I was told to seek “visibility.” I should have stopped and asked for clarity: what does it mean to be promotion-ready? And then, I can turn that vague advice into a real roadmap, one that I can follow up on at every 1:1 meeting. Growth should be clear, not a dangling carrot.

I’ve also learned that being “unhelpful” and “rude” are not the same thing. In my personal life, kindness is simple. But in a corporate setting, kindness needs to be contextualized.

Before I jump into fixing a mistake that isn’t mine, I need to pause and ask: What is the return on this effort? If a task doesn’t move the needle for my own growth, I owe it to myself to allocate that energy elsewhere.

The intention to be helpful was never the problem.

I’m not “wrong” for being a kind person, and I don’t intend to stop. But I’ve learned that corporate systems aren’t built for kindness; they’re built for results.

I had to learn the strategy: be helpful to yourself first. Because only then can you effectively build up everyone else.

It’s all business, baby. 💙

Because here’s the reality: hiding what you feel is exhausting. When we aren’t allowed to be our authentic selves at work, we start to shrink. It’s hard to do your best work when most of your energy is spent pretending that you don’t feel anything at all.

Emotions are signals. They aren’t meant to be ignored, nor are they to be acted upon impulsively. True leadership strength comes from knowing how to handle them.

5 Questions to turn your emotions into strength:

1. What is the actual risk of letting my team see I’m still figuring it out?

• The fear: Many of us hide our emotions because we’re afraid they make us look incompetent.

• The reality: It’s actually the opposite. When a leader says, “I’m feeling the pressure of this deadline, and I don’t have all the answers yet,” it creates a safe space for everyone else to be honest. It shifts the focus from appearing perfect to solving the problem together. When you are authentic, your team stops guessing and starts helping.

2. Where is this emotion sitting in my body right now?

• The signal: Our bodies usually pick up on emotions before our brains can even name them (LeDoux’s “double path”). Repressed emotions don’t just vanish; they get stored in your tight shoulders, your clenched jaw, or your gut.

• The release: Next time you tell yourself you’re “fine” but your neck is stiff, ask yourself what you might be ignoring. Acknowledging the physical feeling is the first step to letting the emotional weight go.

3. Is my poker face creating distance?

• The illusion: We think a neutral exterior makes people feel safe. But usually, it just makes us unreadable. When a team can’t read their leader, they get anxious and start trying to guess what you’re thinking.

• The connection: By sharing just a little bit more of what you’re feeling, you remove the guesswork and build trust. Try saying: “I’m actually quite excited about this, but I’m also a little nervous about how we’ll execute it.”

  

4. Where did I learn that repressing emotions is “professional”?

• The conditioning: Maybe it was a past boss, a specific company culture, or even how you were raised. Often, we were taught to “fall in line” and leave our hearts at the door.

• The choice: Recognizing that emotionless leadership is a learned behavior, and not a universal truth, is empowering. If you learned it, you can unlearn it. You can decide today that your leadership style includes your heart.

5. What would change if I looked at this emotion as data instead of a distraction?

• The shift: Frustration is usually a signal that a boundary has been crossed. Sadness is often a signal that something important isn’t working or has been lost.

• The practice: Instead of pushing the feeling away to get back to “real work,” try to listen. What is that frustration telling you about the team’s workflow? What is the anxiety telling you about the project’s risks? Using emotions as data makes you a sharper, more connected leader.

Being an emotionally intelligent leader

Unlearning an old habit takes time. But the fact that you’re reading this means you’ve already taken the first step. Be patient with yourself. You are NOT becoming less professional, you’re becoming more human.

Growth happens when we figure these things out together. My own journey involves mentoring and consulting, so if you are unlearning your own professional challenges or in need of a sounding board, feel free to reach out. We can connect through ADPList. My schedule is updated, and it is pro bono for now.

Or, if you’d prefer to work with a professional coach, I’m happy to introduce you to a few people I trust who work in your timezone.

A peek at March

Thank you for spending February together! Next month, we’ll be celebrating International Women’s Day by discussing a new topic: Give to Gain. Often, we repress our own needs because we’re afraid of not being helpful. This leads many women to accept ad hoc tasks 50% more often than their male counterparts.

Together, we’ll explore how to be more strategic with your contributions and build the visibility you need to achieve your goals. What counts as non-promotable tasks? How to avoid attaching your worth to your output? How to share your wins without sounding boastful?

We’ll be joined by a special guest with over 25 years of experience in tech and leadership! She now helps leaders navigate burnout and identity shifts, and she’ll be sharing her story with us this March.

See you then,
Annisa 💙

It was another Tuesday, and Dawn was at home with her dog when that familiar notification tone detonated. All of a sudden, her heart hammered. She needed to see a doctor again. Things had gotten bad.

At the time, she was the VP of Customer Success at a scaling B2B tech company, a “homegrown” leader who had helped grow the business from $0 to $10M ARR.

So what happened?

The leadership dilemma: Job Vs. Self

Dawn was known by some as a Fearless Leader. She found it funny, because inside, she felt anything but fearless. She was caught between a board looking for their return, an exec team looking at revenue results, customers demanding more value, and a team that needed her support.

And for Dawn, providing support meant being an honest leader. One that values transparency and having every answer to every question, without showing a single crack.

But this created a painful problem: In a leadership position, “total honesty” is often seen as a risk. She was frequently privy to important information like budgets and market-sensitive information. She felt that at times this forced her to omit information from people she cared about.

When trying to be in control actually leads to burnout

Since Dawn felt she couldn’t be fully honest, she tried to be fully in control. Having been there since the early days, she felt a massive sense of ownership, which repeatedly meant she stopped delegating.

But carrying an entire department is heavy. Slowly, the pressure began to leak out. She noticed herself “batted down” in discussions. And instead of fighting for her ideas, she stayed quiet.

She tried to fix the problem by stepping down from her VP role to Director, and moving to a four-day work week. She thought a refocus on her Fridays would solve it, but the remedy failed.

It was like trying to patch a sinking ship with sticky tape. The environment hadn’t changed, and more importantly, the impossible expectations she placed on herself hadn’t changed either.

That single Slack message on a random Tuesday was her final straw.

How emotions in leadership impact the team

When Dawn eventually resigned, the news shocked the team. They had no idea she was drowning; she had spent so much energy keeping it all together. One colleague was struck by guilt, unable to understand how they had been so blind to her struggle.

We can only bottle up our emotions for so long before they leak out and poison the very environment we’re trying to stabilize. True leadership is about being real to ourselves first, and then to those we collaborate with.

Building the path forward: Tools that helped Dawn move forward

Dawn’s recovery meant moving beyond quick fixes to build a new foundation. Now an executive coach, she shares the same shifts that helped her find her footing again:

• If you’re experiencing a panic attack: Recalibrate in the Moment and use the 5-4-3-2-1 method. This sensory technique pulls your nervous system out of panic and back into the present.

  Watch this video to know the how-to:

• She also finds Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory useful. It helps remind us that we can’t control anyone or anything around us. So the lesson is: we should focus on our own reactions to people and situations.

• For the longer run, identify your Saboteurs: Name the inner voices (the Judge, the Pleaser, the Avoider) that fuel negative emotions. Combine this with DISC Profiling to realize people are “different,” not “difficult.” This clarity is the key to setting boundaries that actually stick. and revisit these profiling tests, as you will inevitably change as a person over time.

While honesty remains Dawn’s core value, she has learned to navigate it with a more nuanced integrity. She realized that holding back sensitive information is a necessary part of balancing the needs of different stakeholders, and it does not mean dishonesty. By accepting those boundaries, she finally found the space to feel her emotions honestly.

Dawn is an Executive Coach based in the UK. Listen to her podcast, Seasons of Leadership, here, and read more about her work at dawnmurdencoaching.com.

✨ Exclusive offer for Healing Out Loud Subscribers ✨

Unlock 10% OFF coaching with Dawn!

I’m handing out exclusive discounts on her service bundles. Don’t miss out!
Comment “💙” or message me to claim yours now!

So what can actually happen when managers, as leaders, ignore their emotions?

Experience A: The “disciplined” manager

I once worked with a manager who publicly scolded their employees. This manager believed that professional discipline required suppressing empathy and vulnerability to get things done. However, by ignoring the underlying stress and frustration, the manager was prone to explosive outbursts. I remember a Teams call with 24 people where this manager screamed at an individual over a small mistake. That person resigned weeks after that incident.

This has been the culture since I joined the company. Little to no guidance was provided, yet demands for specific outcomes were high. And for those who fell short, public scolding awaited.

The Impact: The team was paralyzed by fear. When making mistakes leads to public shaming, we stop taking risks. We stop voicing concerns, repress our own emotions, and communication dies. Eventually, talents resign to escape the obnoxious aggression.

Experience B: The “cool” manager

In another role, I worked with a leader who was the opposite. They played the part of the "cool" manager who appeared grounded, and was the "nice" manager who accepted everyone and tolerated everything.

However, clear boundaries and honest critiques were lacking. The internal pressure on this leader heightened quietly until they simply "had enough." Eventually, a minor issue triggered a full-blown outburst during a private meeting. It was so intense, the yelling was heard clearly behind the closed doors. The persona this manager had built collapsed.

The Impact: The jarring switch-up from ‘cool’ to ‘explosive’ made the team anxious, which trapped them in groupthink to avoid future outbursts. The unpredictability caused us to doubt the manager’s sincerity, and the instability stalled our momentum.

What helped me understand these experiences

I realized both leaders struggled with the same thing: the inability to balance their personal affects for the team with the need for honest, direct feedback.

From reading Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candor, I changed how I looked at these dynamics. Her framework helped me put names to the patterns I saw.

When I looked at the two experiences through the lens of what I learned:

• Experience A was a textbook case of Obnoxious Aggression. It was all about “challenging directly” but with zero “personal care.” It created a culture of defensiveness.

• Experience B was what Scott calls Ruinous Empathy and happens when the manager is “too nice” to share the truth to avoid discomfort. While it feels like they’re protecting feelings, they actually prevent the other person from growing.

What I now look for in a leader

Looking back at the two experiences, the most important thing is to stay true to our own emotions. Not put up a persona of a “tough” boss or “nice” leader. Instead, provide candid feedback and conversations accordingly. Based on my own growth, here is what I’ve learned to value in leadership:

• Clarity over ego: Prioritizing guidance and a roadmap over exercising authority.

• Kindness over niceness: Choosing clear, direct feedback over vague or insincere praise.

• Emotional consistency: Understanding your own feelings for a more steady reactions, rather than hiding behind a disingenuous persona or losing temper.

When a leader is clear, kind, and consistent, the team stops second-guessing the leader’s moves and starts doing their best work. When these values are properly exercised, teams feel safe enough to take risks and grow together. Honesty helps the manager to be a better leader, and helps the team stay productive.

Final thoughts

Having been on both sides, whether with the manager as the yeller or the repressor, the result is the same: a team too nervous to perform. By practicing Radical Candor, we can move past "surviving" the office and actually create an environment where real and genuine growth is possible. Something I think everyone would benefit from.

While it’s easy to blame a bad work culture, the accountability starts with me.

I’m sharing what I learned so you don’t make the same mistakes I did.

The “Yes” that started my burnout

During my final days of a summer vacation, I received a text from my manager:

“Sorry to bother your PTO, but can you jump on a quick Zoom call? It’s not too urgent.”

The team was in the middle of a $500,000 project where I purposefully requested a minor role because my vacation was coming up. But on that call, the tone changed:

“When are you coming back? We need more help from you.”

Feeling like I owed the team for the vacation, I said “yes, absolutely” without thinking of my own boundaries.

When I got back, the situation was worse than I thought. The project hadn’t moved since I left, and the deadline was only 21 days away. Because I said “yes,” I was now the person who had to clear out the mess.

I had to rebuild the project’s foundation, creating the stability the team needed to finally step in and fulfill their roles.

For the next few weeks (three to be exact), I hid how I really felt. We were all too busy playing catch-up anyway. On average, I spent 10 hours a day working to get us back to baseline.

In the office, I feigned smiles and told leadership it was “no problem,” but inside, I was resentful about the lack of planning. My mouth was kept shut because I didn’t want to be seen as “difficult.” But every time I took on a new task, I lost respect for the company.

I carried the weight of a promise I never should have made. My body felt the stress right away: night sweats, irritability, waking up at 4 AM with rushing thoughts of spreadsheets.

The project launched. It was a major success. We got industry praise and recognition from global leaders. On the outside, we looked like heroes. On the inside, I lost myself.

The resentment I had suppressed just to “get the job done” curdled into toxic bitterness. Something I swore to never become. The outcome was inevitable: I resigned a year later.

While the exit was painful, it served as a necessary catalyst for evaluating where my own strategy had failed me.

What I should’ve done

Looking back, I realized I had made three big mistakes. If I could go back, this is how I would handle it:

1. Stay Composed, Don’t React: I reacted instinctively to the team’s chaos because I wanted to be the “fixer.” If I had stayed composed, I could have paused, asked questions, and set realistic expectations instead of absorbing their panic as my own.

2. Stop Confusing Niceness with Conflict Avoidance: I wasn’t being nice; I was being quiet because I was afraid of the friction that comes with setting a boundary. By suppressing my “no,” I gave everyone a version of me that was eventually going to snap. Professionalism is when you are courageous enough to be uncomfortable.

3. Setting Emotional Boundaries: I took accountability for the feelings of my stakeholders. I didn’t want them stressed, so I took that stress onto myself. I’ve learned that you can be a high-performer without being an emotional sponge. You are paid for your output, not for the sacrifice.

Having a passion for a career is a gift. It motivates you and your team, it leads you to new heights, gives you exposure, and eventually a promotion. But do it without a strategy, and it leads you to sacrifice your peace.

I’ve finally learned that while I can contribute my skills to save a half-million-dollar investment, it is never worth bankrupting my own nervous system to do it.

But perfectionism can be a strength if you change your relationship with it. It’s about moving from fear-based habits to the intentional choice of excellence.

So the next time you’re at work, and you feel yourself falling back into old habits, it’s okay. Approach it with curiosity, ask yourself these questions, and reflect.

5 Questions to turn perfectionism into strength:

1. Is this pressure to be perfect coming from someone else, or is it coming from me?

• If it’s external, it usually comes from a manager or a client. Use your next 1:1 to align on expectations and clarify exactly what a successful outcome looks like for them.

• If it’s internal: Remember that you are the one holding the pressure. You have the choice to turn it off.

2. What am I trying to achieve (or avoid) by being “perfect” right now?

• Serving the project: Does this extra effort actually help the business or the final result?

• Serving the ego: Are you trying to avoid the feeling of “not good enough”? Excellence focuses on doing a great job, while perfectionism is usually just a way to stay safe from judgment.

3. What is the worst thing that could happen if it were “great” instead of “perfect”?

• The risk: Will a tiny typo cause a crisis? If not, it’s likely not worth the stress.

• The trade-off: If the price of being “perfect” is burnout, chronic stress, or physical exhaustion, it is not sustainable for your career. Set a firm limit on how much time and energy you give to a single task.

4. Am I expecting everyone else to be perfect too?

• The impact to culture: Perfectionism is contagious and often toxic. with perfectionism, you risk creating a culture revolved around “survival mode” that could make your team afraid of mistakes which lowers innovation .

5. Does perfecting the details bring me closer to my long-term career goals?

• In short term: It’s easier to stay in “fixing mode” than to put yourself out there. Continuously revising things feels safe because as long as the work isn’t “finished,” it can’t be judged.

• But in the long term: Real career growth is built on visibility and impact, not hidden polish. Don’t let a minor detail stop you from showing up, being heard, and moving forward.

Subscribe now

From survival to leadership

We develop coping mechanisms to protect ourselves from psychological harm. But as we grow, these mechanisms need to be updated and sometimes unlearned. And this is what we’re trying to do together with Healing Out Loud.

Taking a career break has opened up a lot of space for me to question my previous conditioning: figuring out what to keep, what to improve, and what to let go of entirely. And I’m not here to judge the past, but to encourage myself in building space for new ways of growing and leading.

There is a special kind of growth that only happens when we help one another. And so part of this journey for me is through mentoring and consulting. If you’re navigating your own pivot or need a sounding board, you’re more than welcome to reach out. We can connect through ADPList at the link below. My schedule is always updated, and it’s pro bono for now.

Schedule a 1:1 Session

What’s in February

Thank you for spending January with me unlearning perfectionism. Coming up in February, we’ll be discussing emotions in leadership. How do we lead when we are emotional? Does becoming a leader mean we should stop feeling? How do we use empathy as a strategy?

We’ll be joined by a special guest who journeyed from journalism to a VP role in tech before becoming a coach. Together, we’ll explore what it actually looks like to lead with empathy, learning how to navigate big emotions at work instead of hiding them behind a professional mask.

See you then.

Annisa 💙