I Consoled Guests at My Parents’ Funerals: Confessions from a Recovering People Pleaser
I spent 30 years being the "well-mannered kid" and the "reliable employee." Now, I’m unlearning the need to be liked. Read about my journey through grief, global marketing, and "exposure therapy."
It’s honestly very hard to write this article, because I have not processed the people pleaser behavior.
In fact, writing this article is probably how I’m processing it.
The well-mannered kid, perfect
Growing up, I was always a chatty child. I was known to be confident, friendly, easy to talk to, and overall a well-mannered kid.
When I was 6 years old or so, I remember being at a family function that ran on for too long. I didn’t throw a tantrum; I just poked my mother and told her, “I’m tired, can we go home?”
A family member who was talking to my mother saw this and said, “Annisa, you are such a polite kid. Then she asked my mom, “Are you proud of her?” My mom, with a big grin on her face, said, “Of course. Do you know that she didn’t even cry that much as a baby? She’s perfect.”
That comment made me happy. I felt rewarded for repressing my emotions.
The grieving teenager, consoling
My mom passed away in 2012 after battling cancer for four years. And thunder struck twice in our family because my father passed away three years after that, in 2015, also from aggressive cancer.
At my father’s funeral, the room was filled with people weeping for me. As an only child who had now lost both parents at 19 years old, I became an object of intense pity. The weight of their sympathy felt suffocating at that time. So I reversed the role and started consoling them for my own tragedy.
When an aunt (whom I hadn’t seen for years) came up to me and told me to “cry more”, I pretended to cry just to give her something.
The ambitious global marketer, striving?
Throughout my career, I have always been known to be reliable. Have you got an urgent email to blast to 2,500 factory workers at 7 p.m.? I've got you. This half-a-million-dollar project needs to be delivered in half the average preparation time? Absolutely.
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I have known since childhood that being reliable and likable would get me places. In my mind, it would bring me closer to more promotions and bigger job titles. So that’s what I did for my entire career: putting my job ahead of my own needs.
And in November 2025, my body said enough.
How did I end up being a people pleaser?
Raised in an Asian household, I was steeped in a culture of quietude and respect. My upbringing centered on a single, unspoken rule: never be a nuisance. I learned to prioritize the collective harmony of the room over my own voice, unaware that too much of this "virtue" created a people-pleaser out of me.
I have been taught that this is the way to go in life: be reliable, respectful, small, and I will surely be safe.
Just like saying “yes” to impossible tasks, or when I pretended to be okay during my parents’ funerals, or when I was being calm when I wanted to go home, I put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine because I was taught that before I could even pronounce the word “polite”.
Unlearning
I’m 30 now and in therapy. Every two weeks, my therapist and I work through something to unlearn. This time, we’ll be unlearning people-pleasing behavior.
Having jobs abroad and working internationally has helped me unlearn it unconsciously. I became more confident in taking up space when talking to someone from a different background and upbringing. It helped me a lot. That’s probably why I love meeting new people; you can always learn something new.
So here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Being “liked” was a survival strategy.
I used to think being likable was a personality trait. Now I see it was a shield. If everyone liked me, no one could hurt me. But that shield also kept me from real, deep connections. You can’t truly be known by someone if you aren’t willing to disagree with them or is unwilling to hear their disagreement.
Healing
It’s going to take a long time to pluck this out of me; it’s been rooted for a long time. But I’m courageous, committed, and supported. I have my husband (who is ironically a contrarian, lol!), my closest friends, my therapist, and you, who are reading this on Substack.
In practice, I’ll start by reading the book The Courage to Be Disliked. To be honest, I have known about this book for so long, yet I have been avoiding it like the plague because it contradicts my previous people-pleaser beliefs. But it is time to face that.
And I’m going to do one thing I never thought I’d do in my life: sales. I’m a full-time marketing consultant now with my own consultancy. I’m helping solopreneurs build their marketing from scratch or helping professionals and individuals with personal branding. To acquire clients, I’ll do outreach, which is the worst type of sales for me, the people pleaser. Hearing the word “no” over and over again will surely be the “exposure therapy” I need to remind me that I am no longer that person.
This is my first article written from the starting line. It took a lot of courage to do it, but the Substack community has encouraged me so much that I decided to publish it.
So if you made it here, thank you for lending me your strength.
On to the journey. Wish me luck 💙
This is so relatable. I’m in my 50s (crazy in itself) and have always been a people pleaser. I’m getting better with age. Learned to say no and hold boundaries in my own business, and this past year have done so in my personal life. My family experienced something major that has pretty much broken us. And it would suit many people if I smiled, towed the line, and forgot it ever happened. But I’m digging my heels in because I’ve reached a point where it doesn’t feel right to be the people pleaser—even if others are thinking less of me.
Thank you for this vulnerable and personal share! I have no doubt you will make it, because I've seen how you meet people in this community. Rooting for you 💙